Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.