Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

All is fair in drunk and war.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station