Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

How do you milk an almond?

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FsXVgkCWYAEc4-0.mp4

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so