Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

For the ones in the back.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

my favorite genre of twitter

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step