Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

Spotted in New Orleans.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise