Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back