Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

The big book of baby names but for safe words

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

Time heals everything 🙂

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD