Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

make up your mind

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup