Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
You Might Also Like
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
rapatouille
Basketball
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?