Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
The pasta is now
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
At least try to make it slightly believable
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
hmmm
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop