“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
You Might Also Like
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
A great first step 😂
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft