Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.