Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
best first i’ve ever seen
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.