Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Accurate

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

True?

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

Yup.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.