Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

goldfish mafia

next question.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.

As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.