Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.