Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

IT’S-A ME,

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Why is no one talking about this?!