Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED