Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.