[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
incredible text to wake up to
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator