Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

😭😭😭

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.