Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.