Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

The A string on my guit_r is flat

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…