Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Childbirth is so beautiful

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

I saw this ending much differently.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.