WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.


Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.


“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics


When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”


Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet


Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.


Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.


If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.


Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.


H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.