@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

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@daemonic3

PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?

THE MACHINE: I do

PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

@GroovyCheese

4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”

@junejuly12

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

@Jennuflect

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

@junejuly12

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

@OneFunnyMummy

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar