@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

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@JimmerThatisAll

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

@DistractedMomma

Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.

@sageboggs

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

@causticbob

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

@FU_TangClan

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

@FrizerkaSandra

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

@PinkCamoTO

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.