Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people