Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.