Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas