Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.