Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Mission: Impossible

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”