Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.

5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Cop: where were you on October 4th 1973 at 6:48PM?
Me: I was sitting in my living room recliner
Cop: how could you…
Wife: Trust me. He’s always there.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.