Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
can’t believe I got front row seats
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
catch me on valentine’s day like
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try