Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Bloody internet 😳
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.