Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.