Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
A man of commitment.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
i wonder why they stopped looking
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
