Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare