Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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o shit
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I beg your pardon?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
