funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day