funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
こいつ天才
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
