Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.