Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.