Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
my retirement plan is braless
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now