Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I unironically love this joke.
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.