Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

How it started: How it’s going:

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

nyc:

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”