Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

I needed a laugh this morning.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Cat.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day