Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

*ernest hemingway voice*

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

sigh