HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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*changes t shirts*
I’m not dying in an Eagles shirt
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.
*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]