The most important meal of the day is the next one
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From Facebook just now…
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/