@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

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@Faceyspace

HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.

@Glorificus917

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

@runninforwine

Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.

@Fred_Delicious

*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*

@NoticablyBacon

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

@Darlainky

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

@Gupton68

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@Reverend_Scott

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]