Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Software Development ⛵️
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.