Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
You Might Also Like
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.