Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
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“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.