Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
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wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here