Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.