Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
🍂🕷️🍂
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.