Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?