My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.