Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
classic mixup
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
sometimes i miss this memes
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open