Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.