Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
what’s more important?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”