Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

I have a new favorite meme page

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.