Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

superman landing like a plane on his belly

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!