Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that