driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money