funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
✌🏽
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh