Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.