Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….