Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay