Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..