Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.