Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Thursday Thought.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Children of the corn 🌽
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation