Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
You Might Also Like
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though