Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

Story of my life…..

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen